10/24/13 Thursday

Woke up this morning to the Kitty cat meowing because she had come apparently, froma wonderful night out. Very glad she decided to come home after 24 hours outside. I think Chris now has an outdoor kitty.

I just wrote for the last 15 minutes in managed to lose everything I wrote! Trying to decide what topics I should write about. I could write about cats and dogs, family, universe or my skewed reality. I guess I'll just see what I feel like each time I write something.

For the last five weeks my power chair has been out of order and waiting to be repaired. I just got the letter from the insurance approving the repair but the chair repair folks need to get that letter themselves before we can set up a time to fix my original chair. They did give me a loaner chair which I must be very, very thankful for... But I am very tired of it. This chair does not fit me or my needs very well and, after five weeks, I very tired of dealing with it. I pretty much have to have other people drive me around unless I'm just moving a couple of feet. It has definitely made me feel much more disabled and is taking its toll on my psychological well-being to be reminded just how much I can't do. I already ask people for lots of help but this just intensifies my neediness. I have to feel very grateful that I have this chair because the last time I power chair needed fixing I had to use an old chair that I hadn't garage and it was very uncomfortable. At least this chair has my original cushion on it and my butt is much happier.

I have no idea if my version of reality is correct. It goes back and forth monthly, weekly, daily from where I feel like I have things pretty well in order to where I feel completely helpless. I don't know if it's the Prozac but I just don't cry much anymore. It just takes a lot for me to cry. It's like I have this defeated feeling about everything and I don't forward to much of anything anymore. I don't have an answer for this. Things I used to think were true are now in question for me. Like, I used to think Mark and I were soul mates that now I know that we are very different individuals. I think that is just normal for people that are married 35 years but, I have to admit, it was a very good fantasy for a long time and I still don't like giving it up. Our relationship is just changed a lot in the last few years and I don't know if I should worry about it or if there's anything I can do to change it anyway.

Wednesday, October 23

I didn't manage to write anything today. Major events are met my mother turned 84 and Chris's Kitty got outside somehow and we have not seen her in 24 hours.

My chair has been awaiting repair for five weeks now and I have had to use a loaner chair that I cannot really drive on my own. Just got a letter from the insurance that they have approved the repair but United Seating has to wait until they get that letter before we can set up a time to repair my chair. It is ceasing to be funny now and I will really be happy when I have my chair back.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Okay, so I've done it. I am starting my very first blog and it's going to be difficult to figure out what to write about. I can't quite imagine that anyone would ever want to "follow" me, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to because I don't think I have anything much profound to say. I'm not sure what I could say that anyone would have interest in knowing about.

Tomorrow is my mother's 84th birthday. I have been trained call but her line is busy so I can only assume that her phone is off the hook since that is usually the reason why my line is busy.... Oh, I did get through to her finally. I think she's doing quite well but I definitely feel like the lame daughter because I did not send her a birthday card at the very least. Patrick is taking her to dinner tonight and has arranged for special meals tomorrow for her birthday. His family is always so good about seeing him regularly and inviting him (and my mother) to their house. I can't help but feel guilty. We go to have lunch with her every couple weeks but I'm not sure what more we could, or should, be doing. I suppose this is an age-old problem for many of us baby boomers. If I were able to drive and go to visit easily I know I would but I can't ask my husband to go much more than he already does since he works both outside the home and inside and he has a mother of his own 40 miles away that he needs to see periodically. I will call her tomorrow again and wish her happy birthday.

Much of this blog will just deal with my situation. I am a 56-year-old woman who has had MS since she was 21. I can no longer walk, work or drive and I am slowly losing the use of my hands as well. When I put it that way it just sounds depressing and I find it difficult to put a positive spin on everything. Maybe this blog will be my attempt at finding the positive spin on things as well as my attempt to figure out what the difference between everyone else's reality and mine is.