10/24/13 Thursday

Woke up this morning to the Kitty cat meowing because she had come apparently, froma wonderful night out. Very glad she decided to come home after 24 hours outside. I think Chris now has an outdoor kitty.

I just wrote for the last 15 minutes in managed to lose everything I wrote! Trying to decide what topics I should write about. I could write about cats and dogs, family, universe or my skewed reality. I guess I'll just see what I feel like each time I write something.

For the last five weeks my power chair has been out of order and waiting to be repaired. I just got the letter from the insurance approving the repair but the chair repair folks need to get that letter themselves before we can set up a time to fix my original chair. They did give me a loaner chair which I must be very, very thankful for... But I am very tired of it. This chair does not fit me or my needs very well and, after five weeks, I very tired of dealing with it. I pretty much have to have other people drive me around unless I'm just moving a couple of feet. It has definitely made me feel much more disabled and is taking its toll on my psychological well-being to be reminded just how much I can't do. I already ask people for lots of help but this just intensifies my neediness. I have to feel very grateful that I have this chair because the last time I power chair needed fixing I had to use an old chair that I hadn't garage and it was very uncomfortable. At least this chair has my original cushion on it and my butt is much happier.

I have no idea if my version of reality is correct. It goes back and forth monthly, weekly, daily from where I feel like I have things pretty well in order to where I feel completely helpless. I don't know if it's the Prozac but I just don't cry much anymore. It just takes a lot for me to cry. It's like I have this defeated feeling about everything and I don't forward to much of anything anymore. I don't have an answer for this. Things I used to think were true are now in question for me. Like, I used to think Mark and I were soul mates that now I know that we are very different individuals. I think that is just normal for people that are married 35 years but, I have to admit, it was a very good fantasy for a long time and I still don't like giving it up. Our relationship is just changed a lot in the last few years and I don't know if I should worry about it or if there's anything I can do to change it anyway.